tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520796672459947066.post263883866319771846..comments2014-04-24T14:36:02.612+01:00Comments on Postcards From My Mind.: A View from the Cutting Room FloorNarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00624659563661326279noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520796672459947066.post-69274382487617915582011-04-24T18:22:52.752+01:002011-04-24T18:22:52.752+01:00Hi Nari.
Firstly, I hope all goes well on the job...Hi Nari. <br />Firstly, I hope all goes well on the job front. I recently conducted some interviews for our shop (a well known high street stationer that begins with 'R') and one of the girls actually squealed with delight on the phone. <br />I digress. I liked most of the new paragraph and if you recognise 'telling' and not 'showing' then I'm pleased for you. <br />I thought it could be improved by combining Lauren's reactions. I thought it might be more economical to get them all into the start of the sentence.<br />'As Lauren saw Ryan and beamed she pulled out her left headphone ... '<br />Great to see you are being productive.Tomhttp://tomfoollery.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520796672459947066.post-64952056310403211382011-04-15T21:21:07.256+01:002011-04-15T21:21:07.256+01:00Will be keeping everything crossed for you re the ...Will be keeping everything crossed for you re the job.<br /><br />XXSuzanne Ross Joneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08561888635304578484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520796672459947066.post-91215421783756620362011-04-13T11:11:38.303+01:002011-04-13T11:11:38.303+01:00Hi Martyn :) Thanks for coming over, I shall pop o...Hi Martyn :) Thanks for coming over, I shall pop over to yours in a bit. The more the merrier! <br />Thanks for your advice, I agree with you - there is still bits and pieces I can chop. <br />I have slipped slightly into telling not showing, it seems. <br />Anyway, thanks for your comments and it's nice to 'meet' you. <br />Nari XNarihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00624659563661326279noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520796672459947066.post-10002349132650992592011-04-13T10:16:15.224+01:002011-04-13T10:16:15.224+01:00Chloe, I could kiss you. Thank you for your wise w...Chloe, I could kiss you. Thank you for your wise words. Adjectives is something Kath McKay had to constantly point out to me, and I am a lot better than I used to be. Still, always room for refinement, and I agree with your observations. <br />Thank you :)<br />Nari XNarihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00624659563661326279noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520796672459947066.post-83471461539461320362011-04-13T06:51:48.929+01:002011-04-13T06:51:48.929+01:00Re your passage about Ryan & Lauren: I do thin...Re your passage about Ryan & Lauren: I do think the second version is better and sticks closer to Ryans's POV. I always think it's better to spell out as little as possible and try to imply instead. For example, because it's from Ryan's POV I'm not sure you need to say "he liked today's outfit" & he "liked it on her" because we pick that up from what follows. So for example: "Ryan smiled to himself. She was wearing her black tights and denim shorts, which clung to her curves..."<br /><br />I agree that what a character is wearing is underrated as a way of telling us something about their personality and I think the trilby is a great touch.<br /><br />I like the "all the nameless people" bit because it emphasises his feelings for her - but I don't think the next two sentences are necessary in that context - a bit of a digression. For me "She looked up and beamed" has more impact without the mud and rain comment.<br /><br />Hope that helps!billybloggerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06892046980111756373noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520796672459947066.post-40317181796336376592011-04-13T05:45:49.502+01:002011-04-13T05:45:49.502+01:00Like the blog! I saw your letter in an old copy of...Like the blog! I saw your letter in an old copy of one of the writing magazines and having recently started a blog myself I know what you meant about how hard it is to attract followers!<br /><br />My blog isn't on blogspot but they made me sign up for one at gunpoint (well sort of) so I could post a comment here.<br /><br />My blog is on tumblr (http://martynbeardsley.tumblr.com/) although having seen your design and layout I'm beginnging to wish I'd used blogspot instead. Despite the gunpoint thing.<br /><br />Good luck!billybloggerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06892046980111756373noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520796672459947066.post-58175680497069735282011-04-12T19:18:24.032+01:002011-04-12T19:18:24.032+01:00Firstly, that second draft is a lot better than th...Firstly, that second draft is a lot better than the first. It's really good! The first does read a bit like disjointed descriptions thrown together, the second really flows.<br /><br />I have just had to do a similar thing while editing my novel - change all the bits where I have just written what I needed to say to drive the plot into bits where I have actually thought about what the character's point of view would be. It was a long process!<br /><br />In general, I would say the best editing advice is to police your use of adverbs and adjectives. Obviously in a passage like this which is mostly description you need adjectives, but I have seen more than one editor or publisher or agent say they can spot an amateur from their over-use of adverbs and adjectives. Adverbs should very rarely be necessary (I appreciate that very is an adverb - the irony - did I need a very there? Probably not!) and adjectives only sparingly. <br /><br />In your passage does the drizzle need to be descibed as light? I don't know if it adds anything. you tell us her eyes are bright green so do you need to describe them as emerald only a few sentences later? I've just been through my novel and cut out about a million unnecessary adjectives. Most readers don't need that much description.<br /><br />I think the paragraph that starts "Lauren was already there..." is outstanding. A beautifully economical description :)Chloehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00183206722136871230noreply@blogger.com